


Minor Arcana: The Suit of Wands - or the Crossovers

by Andromalius



Category: Friends (TV), Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015), Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Supernatural
Genre: A disappointing lack of monsters, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And Chandler might be a little pissed to have hunters in his flat, And Chandler's company might be suddenly evil, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Dean and Merlin meet, Dean and Sam walk in on Alec and Magnus, Dean is a BAMF, Drabbles, F/M, In which death does not disturb Dean, M/M, Multi, Okay so Joey might hit on Charlie, Short & Sweet, Someone should have explained the difference between Shadowhunters and Hunters, Sorry guys, Suggestions welcome, Supernatural/Kingsman, Writing Exercise, first day on the job, occasional slash is likely, probably, the bodybag incident, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5497286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromalius/pseuds/Andromalius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles and shorts crossing the world of Supernatural with other fandoms. Chapter One - Kingsman meets Dean Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ace of Wands - The Excitement of Starting New Jobs

**Ace of Wands - The Excitement of Starting New Jobs**

“Just typical army scare tactics.”

Dean nodded absently as he filled out the tag for the bodybag with practiced ease. He didn’t bother to point out that he wasn’t exactly scared, that he’d seen death and he’d even died a few times and it wasn’t as bad as everyone made out.

This wasn’t quite where he’d expected to end up when he followed Sam’s lead two years ago and left home. Of course he had to go one bigger, he _was_ older and tougher and scarier and now _more-involved-in-secret-organisations-ier_. Could you add a suffix to that? Must be able to. He just had. Take that, Sammy boy. I’m two to your one because fraternities don’t count. Any society where you don’t have to _kill_ things _doesn’t count_.

The man with the terrifying glasses and strong accent returned and led them out to a firing range to put them through their paces or some such nonsense. Dean watched the rich boys take their turns putting holes through a piece of paper and tried to look excited. It was a little hard when he’d been taking down a full-grown kelpie three weeks ago and could still feel the boil of black inhuman blood over his hands.

Merlin (and son of a _bitch_ , Sam was going to have a _field_ day if he turned up sporting a name like that) handed Dean a pistol and he checked the bullets absently, frowning a little at the sight of something not-iron or silver or covered in salt.

“Y’ got a problem, lad?”

“Nope. No problem.” Dean shot five holes into the known kill points for a unseelie fairy, and then five more straight through the middle circle over the head. “Would be a bit more challenging if this was moving. A bit more realistic, too.”

“Be patient, Mr Winchester,” Merlin said, taking back the gun and smiling at him thinly. “I’m sure we’ll manage to entertain you yet.”

Dean smiled back. He really hoped so.


	2. Two of Wands - Choosing the Right Path in a World of Enchantment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean and Sam mistake 'Shadowhunter' for 'Hunter' and 'Warlock' for 'Persn we should hunt' and interrupt Magnus and Alec at a most inopportune moment. City of Bones crossover.

It was all a misunderstanding, really. The word _hunter_ had been bandied around in the same general vicinity as _warlock_. High Warlock, to be precise. Of Brooklyn. Dean _had_ thought that was a little – unsubtle for anyone not boasting protection from some pretty powerful demons. Especially since, as he had said, the word _hunter_ had been used with alarming frequency.

Since the presence of hunters hadn’t seemed to result in the ‘High Warlock’ being unwarlocked in an appropriately ‘accidental’ way, here they were investigating. It was what they did. It was their job. This was _weird shit_ and it was _their job to deal with weird shit._

For the record? This was not his fault.

 Okay, so _maybe_ they’d broken in. To the apparent disgust of this Warlock’s invisible butler booming on about _Who Dares Invade the House of the High Warlock_ and other such Jeeves-ian shit. Dean had given the air his middle finger, and had been rewarded with insulted silence while they edged their way further into the apartment.

Sam seemed to think they should regroup and try for the element of surprise. Dean had, rather cleverly he thought, pointed out that the son-of-a-bitch knew they were there now so they should give him as little time as possible to prepare.

That was how they walked in on the couple making out on a gold sofa.

There was an awkward sort of silence. Dean had to admit he’d never had to pull a weapon on a guy getting some before. At least not _consensually_ getting some and unless mind-control was being used this looked pretty consensual.

Sam nudged him.

Right. Well. Saying ‘hands up’ seemed a bit moot, since bottom dude’s hands were so far up top dude’s shirt that they couldn’t get much higher without coming out of his collar. Dean cleared his throat loudly and sat down on the arm of the sofa. “I hate to be a spoilsport, folks, but you’ve got an audience.”

“I hate to be a spoilsport myself,” top dude said in a faintly accented voice, without glancing up. “Or a bad host. However if you point those guns at us, I’m afraid I’ll have to be both.”

“Tell them to fuck off,” bottom dude said, muffled by the fact that he was talking into skin.

“I was getting to that,” top dude said. He looked up with cat-like, faintly glowing eyes. Dean thought ‘warlock’ to himself and grimaced because _yellow eyes made him trigger happy._  “Fuck off, boys.”

Dean felt a little ignored and cocked his weapon.  Sam moved to stand next to him and gestured frantically at an article he’d just pulled up on his phone. It was in this particularly awkward moment, a few seconds before pointing out that _Lucifer_ didn’t scare him so a two-bit Warlock sure didn’t, that Dean learned the difference between Shadowhunters and _Hunters_ and put down his gun again.

As he said. All just one big misunderstanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually read the Mortal Instrument series, but the Castiel of our production does, so this is a gift for her. Again, if there's any crossovers you'd like to see let me know! I've only got Sherlock, Dr Who and Harry Potter planned so far. 
> 
> On an exciting note, the director of the SPN musical parody I'm involved with has posted our trailer! You can find a link on the twitter @SpnMusicalUK. It's pretty hilarious - and you can marvel at how awful Sam's wig is (really really awful. We had to hack it out of a long fancy dress wig and it didn't behave well).


	3. The Three of Wands - Lack of Cooperation From Others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Dean and Sam meet the cast of FRIENDS.

Perhaps coming from a long family tradition of breaking and entering before knocking politely was what started all of this off. Perhaps it was simply being used to people either being out, possessed, partially digested, or already screaming for ghosts to get away from them. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep and the sheer excess of stress. Perhaps it was the over-riding concern for Charlie and about the reason Charlie was here, leading them into the apartment and humming along to whatever up-beat tunes she was listening to these days – _god fucking dammit did he sound this much like an old man outside his head too?_

Whatever the reason, Dean was completely taken by surprise when a man walked randomly into the apartment, nodded a genial hello, wandered to the fridge, took out a plate of food and did a spit-take so perfect that Dean had flashbacks to Gabriel’s ridiculous TV Land experiment.

“Hey – I don’t know you! Who the hell are you?”

“We’re from the FBI,” Sam said a bit more off-handedly than usual. “We’re investigating the building for clues relating to the rash of disappearances in the area.”

“Ohhh…” the man nodded slowly, looking between them as though the idea was taking a while to process. “Can I see your badges?”

Dean showed his badge slowly and was more than a little taken-aback when the man took it, turned it over a few times, and grinned a large, white, incredibly goofy grin. “That’s _so cool_.”

“Uh – thanks, buddy. Sorry we just barged in but you weren’t at home and we’re working on a tight schedule here.”

“Sure, sure. No problem. I bet you’ve got bad guys to run down. Do you have a gun? Can I hold it?”

Dean bit his tongue on a tired and cranky _What are you, five?_ and turned his attention back to where Charlie was hacking into the rather rudimentary home computer system. “You making any progress, Special Agent?”

“Give me time, Agent Starbuck.”

“Heeeeey…” the man sidestepped neatly around Dean – so neatly that Dean wasn’t quite certain a mortal human could have managed it. He raised an eyebrow and looked Charlie up and down, a crooked grin spreading across his face. “How _you_ doing?”

“Honey – I’m…” another man walked in, proving they’d really not had to pick the lock because none of these people seemed to use keys. This man seemed a little more observant, and leaped back a whole three feet. “Joey! Who are all these – _people_? Why are they in our house?”

“They’re from the FBI!” Joey said brightly, grinning again. “They’re hunting monsters, isn’t that cool??”

“Joey.” New Man made a pinched, long-suffering expression that was more long-suffering than any Dean had ever seen on Sam’s face. “I’ve told you and told you. X-Files is not real.”

“I know that,” Joey grumbled. “But he’s got a gun!”

“Chandler?” a woman this time. Dean blinked and frowned around the apartment. It was big enough but really didn’t seem like a three-person kind of deal. “Why are people making a mess of my home?”

“Our home, honey…” Chandler (the other guy, apparently. Who calls their kid Chandler??) gave a look at the woman’s face and cut off whatever her was planning on saying. “Thy’re from the FBI apparently.”

“I don’t care if they’re from the President – they’ll get their hands off my sideboard and stop messing with my alphabetised works of Jacques Costeau or I’ll remove them completely!”

“Honey…” Chandler moved close to her. “I think they’re _armed_.”

“Why’s the Special Agent messing with your computer?” Joey was bent over reading over Charlie’s shoulder and resisting Sam’s efforts to ward him off rather adroitly. “I don’t think she’s typing in English. I bet they’re all aliens!” a wide pointing finger and a look of horror and Dean was about ready to actually shoot someone.

“Look – Mr Days of Our Lives – back the hell away from Charlie before I make you back away, get me? This is an important investigation.”

“If it’s that important how come you don’t have a warrant, Dirty Harry?” Chadler shot back.

Sam made a small noise that might have been a laugh. Charlie was explaining to Joey that she was typing in ancient Elvish and Klingon at the same time with a serious sort of intensity that would later worry him that he was a bad influence on her. The lady of the house was phoning _somebody_ , two blondes and another man had just walked in and it really didn’t seem worth finding out why a company that seemed to do absolutely nothing with numbers and hired Mr Chandler Bing to do lots of very strange nothing with numbers was connected with a spate of random disappearances.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm doing a writing challenge based on the Tarot deck of cards to help me a. cement the meanings of the cards in my head and b. explore the characters and world of Supernatural. In the Wands series I'm going to be doing a whole lot of crossovers so feel free to make suggestions here, or tweet me over at @SpnMusicalUK! If you add the hashtag #BelaTFanfic my co-actors will know it's for me. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Cups will be following the disastrous, hilarious and occasionally terrifying roadtrip which is the Winchesters in the UK.  
> Swords will be fairytales interpreted Supernatural style.  
> Pentacles will be a series of Wee!Chester and pre!series shorts.  
> The Major Arcana will be longer pieces inspired by prompts that take my fancy. Look over there for Frog!Cas and an Office!AU romance.


End file.
